Living In My DeLorean

My best friend points out I say a lot about wanting to change things from my past.  It's a thing that comes up too often when we are talking about how we expected life would go and where it's actually gone. We cannot change the past, but I find myself thinking that way a lot.  Unfortunately, it's a foolish way of looking at life, and something I haven't yet broken in myself.

Today, I went for a walk to clear my head.  Right down the street from my office is an elementary school I attended in second grade.  A major event happened there that was one of the first "traumatic" things I remember happening in my life.  While waiting to be picked up after school, I watched my mom and sister in our old Ford Pinto station wagon get hit from behind and pushed forward into a school bus.  I remember thinking my mom and sister were going to be seriously hurt or killed.  It turned out my sister was thrown forward into the windshield and cracked her head (pre seatbelt laws, I guess), but that was the extent of the injuries, from what I remember.  I don't even remember the state of the Pinto following the accident.

On my walk by the school today, I talked with God about my feelings on correcting behaviors from my past and felt led to walk onto the campus to the area where I remember watching the crash.  I said to God, "Take me back to that point when I arrive on the sidewalk."  As I got closer, a huge portion of my life flashed before my eyes and I realized what I was actually asking.  It wasn't the thought of reliving the past forty years that freaked me out.  It was realizing, should I retain all my current knowledge and experiences in hopes to "change the past," I am still the same sinner who might still make some of the same mistakes I wish I could influence and change.  I realized further, my sin and understanding of life now may lead to additional sins and regrets.  I may re-live life even more foolishly, rather than improve on the items I reflect on as tragic mistakes.

Some of my corrections may also impact friends and loved ones I have now.  My kids, would they be the two blessings I have now?  Would my corrections result in different opportunities for failure and compound my frustrations with my weaknesses and mistakes?  Would I look at God's grace and somehow try to take advantage of even more of His forgiveness?  Would I be a better Christian, better person, better father, better leader, better husband with the ability to make these changes?  Or would I chose other sins and other roads to destruction that would lead me further from God's goodness, to a place of rejection and darkness, more arrogant in my own knowledge and understanding?

I know that mistakes have led to where I am right now.  And right now, I recognize my desperate need for God and the plan of salvation he offers through the death of His son, Jesus.  So now I need to be content with living in His grace to this point, while hating my sin (past and present), discontinuing my constant thoughts of the past, and work on improving my current path forward to protect the future glory God offers.  Instead of living in my DeLorean, hoping to time travel and impact my life positively by changing mistakes, I need to work on proclaiming God where I am now, so I can impact my current needs and those of the people I know and love now.  Rather than continue in a life of mediocrity, I need to live a life of light and be changed now by God's grace through those past wrongs, and into the future.

What a weird feeling to sense God's presence today.  I will say it felt initially like He said, "Okay, Jeremy.  Step onto the sidewalk and I'll return you to forty years ago.  But, realize this, my child, the impact will be greater than you know, and your sin will still be present while on earth.  You don't know My will and divine plan for you, as it is still being worked out for both My glory and your salvation."  It was a scary feeling to realize He is present and working in my life right now through those mistakes, and I'm not recognizing that appropriately.  My own sin nature would likely lead me into additional trauma, new sins, further distancing myself from God's will and closer to my sinful self-righteous foolishness.

Knowing God does have a plan He is working out for each of us can be a place of peace.  We can hate our sin and continue to turn away from it, while also knowing we are earthly being who have inherited the sins of our fathers back to Adam.  But, this plan God is working out because of sin, is filled with grace and mercy we won't fully know until we are in Heaven with Him.  Praise the perfect, all-knowing, loving God forever.

Updated with a Bible passage shared by my mom: 

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭7‬:‭15‬-‭25‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/59/rom.7.15-25.ESV

Doug Went Home for Eternity

Although many people prayed for healing, God decided he wanted to bring Doug home to Himself. If we can think about it from Doug's perspective, he is in total peace with God. God decided it was time for Doug to enjoy Him in His presence, and that is so great for Doug. I feel sadness for the family. I really hurt for Josh, who was with his dad when the accident happened. Obviously, the whole family is hurting, but as a son myself, I would not want to be with my dad when a life ending accident happened to him.

Continue to pray for the Healing family. Pray for peace for them. Pray for provision for Betsy. Pray for the comfort that comes from knowing God.

We Never Know When Death or Christ Will Come

I just looked at my last post and I noticed I mentioned our time here on earth is short. We really don't know when and how we are going to die or if Christ is going to return. Monday evening, my dad received a call about a close family friend falling off a his roof. He apparently broke is neck and ribs. At this point, we are not sure he is going to make it.

I know that I often think to myself I'm going to get my life right with God later or I'll be able to be a good witness next time. But the truth is, we don't know how much time "later" we have. We don't know if there is going to be a "next time". God could decide to take us home at any minute. We need to be living our lives correctly, properly worshiping God and glorifying Him with all aspects of our lives, right now.

I really wanted to write this to request that you pray today for a miracle for Doug Healing (his actual last name). He would need major healing from all the injuries. He is probably paralyzed from the neck down. They're not sure about proper brain function at this point. God can do miracles if He desires. My pastor talked about death a few weeks ago and reminded us that the death of a Christian is awesome for that person. They get to be with God. And, although we miss them and wish they were still here with us, the truth really is, they don't want to come back. Once they are in the presence of the Almighty Creator, they are pain free, worry free, in perfect peace and joy. Please pray for comfort for the family. Pray that God is glorified through this tragic accident.

Answered Prayers and More Requests...New Jobs

Well, exciting news for me, I was offered the job I applied to. I am now an Operations Specialist. I'm better suited for this type of job because it is not a sales or customer service job. Although I can do both of those things, I don't enjoy them as much as I do enjoy Ops. This is a huge answer to prayer. God is good.

I am going to have a new group of people that I work with and around, and I need continued prayer for wisdom and grace. I need to start out as a humble, patient person, and I need to be a good witness with my attitude and actions. There is nothing good in me aside from Christ, and my sin nature does not allow the knowledge of God's grace to be evident in my life. I'm so gross. And I'm tired of recognizing it and not changing. I need huge prayer for this too.

My dad just called and told me he got a job with a maintenance company. This is great for him. This will be steady work instead of the extremely slow construction industry. I know he will miss the freedom of working for himself, but consistent work will be great for him. This is another answer to prayer.

God is Great.

I Can't Sleep

I'm so out of the habit of writing my blogs that I feel I'm losing the ability to write them clear enough to understand. I don't believe I'm really that good of a writer to begin with, but it seems like it's getting increasingly harder to do. I almost feel like there may be something medically wrong with me due to sleep issues. I think I'm having some major sleep issues that are causing all sorts of issues. My frustration with everything in life has grow to proportions that I can't handle. I have absolutely no patience and I can't focus on anything.

Not only do I grind my teeth at night (and I do wear a mouth guard to help), I think I stop breathing anytime I fall asleep. Then, that wakes me up. I would bet I wake up over 20 times a night with this. I keep saying I need to go to a doctor, but I really think it is time to find one that helps with this.

I say all this today because I feel like not just my work life is suffering, but my personal life is too. I don't want to be like I am, and I pray about it all the time. I know that God can answer prayers, but at what point do I stop waiting for the miraculous healing power of God and go to a doctor? I'm only hoping this sleep thing is part of my issue. I constantly pray about my anger and frustration, but I don't feel like anything is changing. My dad says he thinks it has to do with me always wanting to be in control of everything. While that may be true, I'm so tired of these problems, I just want it to be fix. My wife says I still harbor a bunch of bitterness about losing my job with the county. That feels more true because I feel so unjustly terminated. But even that doesn't seem like something that would push me the levels of frustration I'm at. Some people say I should work out. Some say more prayer. Some say it is God building patience in me. I think all of these things are probably part of it, but I still do not want to be the crazy man I'm becoming.

Today's passage is going to have to wait for tomorrow now. I wrote all that I'm feeling and dealing with today. I'll call it a prayer request.

Praise God for His Faithfulness.
Praise God for the sins His Son bore for us.

God Answers Prayers

Without going into a lot of detail that I don't really want public, God answered a prayer today. There is a lot of human stress in my life right now, to the point where I'm wondering what day the heart attack is going to come, and I've been weak in my prayer time about it. I finally cried out to God yesterday about one part of it and today I found out He answered that prayer. Now, I do believe God hears and answers every prayer, but sometimes it's not the answer we want so it doesn't feel like God is listening or answering. Faith is often a difficult thing.

The amount of stress I feel lifted today is huge. I wish I could feel like this more often. I wish my faith was stronger. And as I type that I get scared that God is going to continue more trials and more stressful things to see test me in that. Although He does not tempted us to sin, He does test us. To be clear on this I will quote James 1:12-13, which says, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him. Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and He Himself tempts no one."

God is Good. Praise God for His Steadfast Love.

Wretched Man That I Am

The more I review my life, the more concern I have regarding my place in eternity. I have no fruit in my life. I have no joy, no peace, none of the signs we all talk about as Christians. Do you? Do you really have complete and total peace and joy? Is there fruit? Do you see people's lives being changed because of what you do and how you live and the things you share with them about the truths of God?

Last night my wife and I had dinner with one of my favorite people. He is a really close friend, he was a groomsman in my wedding, and he is a "good person." The problem is, he's not saved. He doesn't believe in his need for a savior. He doesn't believe the Bible is the inspired Word of the Creator and Savior of this world. He is good in the eyes of the world, but he is not saved and therefore can not do anything good, as it is not being done for the glory of God. But why would he? He does have many friends that claim Christianity and a belief in God, but how often are these people living proof of that? I, for one, am a hindrance to the hope that he will see his need for a Savior.

I know that nothing I can do will save him. I know that despite my failures, God can reveal Himself to this friend. But what am I doing to facilitate a good work? "Nothing." That's the true answer. And it's beginning to make me sick. My own life is beginning to make me hate myself, my sin, and my lack of purpose. If my life does nothing to glorify God, my life in useless and wasted and void of value. God should be glorified in all that I do. I should strive to bring glory to his name at every moment I can. I've been saved from my wreched sin, and yet I live as though I am still an unsaved hopeless person.

I need Christ so much more than I realize. Salvation is an amazing gift of grace and mercy. God should (and I would deserve it) send me straight to Hell and eternal damnation. I continue to blow the opportunities he gives me to point to Him, to glorify Him, to praise and honor Him. I am wasting my life every minute and wasting precious, valuable time I could be devoted to Him. Why do I not crave time in the Word of GOD? Why do I not crave time in prayer, talking to the Almighty Creator? Why do I not scream out praise of the one who has saved me from this wretched sinful life I live?

Praise the Almighty God for the salvation that comes only through the blood of His Son, poured out on the cross for me, a wretched, sinful being with no value except that which he sees and has saved for His own purpose. Praise God for the undeserved mercy and grace, the unearned rescue He's given to me, pulling me out of the darkness of sin and into Him marvelous light.

Praise God for all Eternity for His Amazing Love, Grace, and Mercy on us.

Just a Personal Update

The next passage of Romans is a hard study for me today. I'm going to hold off on writing about it today and re-read it again tomorrow. I'm hoping more insight and understanding will come from more time to read it and meditate on it.

I also realized I haven't been doing my book review updates. I have 2 more chapters of the book "Crazy Love" to review and I will work on those tomorrow too.

With the economy the way it is and the financial world going through trying times, my company has made cutbacks in the hours and salaries of all employees. The bank is doing this as a measure to drive off the need for layoffs. My bank is rated as the more solid and secure bank in the USA and I feel like it is still a good company to work for. This has caused me to have Thursdays off. It's good and bad. It allows me to watch Caleb and spend more time with him. But it causes Lisa to have to work. I do have an interview for a promotion on the 11th and I'm praying that God allows is for me to step into this new role. It's a huge step, but one that gets me back to where I believe I'd be if I had never left the bank.

I guess this is a prayer request. This opportunity would allow me to get back into what I enjoy doing for the bank. I'd be the District Operations Manager, managing the Northern Sacramento Branches (Colfax down), where my duties would be to manage the branches to the banks policies and procedures and federal regulations. I'll admit, I would be a little freak out at first, as this would be a giant step after 5 years away. But I know that I can do it. I have 8 years of experience with the same bank. I have my law enforcement background, which may be used in preparing for court, organizing reports, and conducting interviews and investigations. I know that the two Operations Specialists I'd be working with have a great amount of knowledge and experience. I think we would have around 15-20 branches in our district. That's a lot, but when I was an Operations Specialist in 2003 I had 14 branches all to my self. I am praising God just for the opportunity, and I know that he put me in the bank for a reason.

Praise God today with all you do and say. Be in constant prayer, relying on Him for the strength needed to avoid sin and bring glory to Him.

A Prayer Request - 2

Today I have a meeting with the Captain of the jail. It's not necessarily about "getting my job back" but it has more to do with figuring out what happened and trying to learn from that. He was kind enough to set a meeting with me to discuss what happened and what I need to do for the future. Obviously I still miss that line of work and would like to be there again, but this is just the beginning of trying to figure out what went so wrong.

I ask that you pray that God reveals His will for my life in the meeting today. I'd love to know what direction to head in. If it's with the bank, I need help in enjoying my job. If there's something I can do with law enforcement, I would like to feel confident in that. And, if God has another plan for my life, pray that He reveals it to me. I want to do God's will. I want to live a life that is pleasing to Him. However I can do that best with my career, I need God's help in knowing where that is.

For now, enjoy this Psalm sent to me by a friend. It fits with the Romans study and is an old testament look at God's character with similar wickedness. God never changes.

Psalm 73
BOOK THREE
God Is My Strength and Portion Forever
A Psalm of Asaph.
1Truly God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
2But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled,
my steps had nearly slipped.
3For I was envious of the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4For they have no pangs until death;
their bodies are fat and sleek.
5They are not in trouble as others are;
they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.
6Therefore pride is their necklace;
violence covers them as a garment.
7Their eyes swell out through fatness;
their hearts overflow with follies.
8They scoff and speak with malice;
loftily they threaten oppression.
9They set their mouths against the heavens,
and their tongue struts through the earth.
10Therefore his people turn back to them,
and find no fault in them.
11And they say, "How can God know?
Is there knowledge in the Most High?"
12Behold, these are the wicked;
always at ease, they increase in riches.
13All in vain have I kept my heart clean
and washed my hands in innocence.
14For all the day long I have been stricken
and rebuked every morning.
15If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed the generation of your children.
16But when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
17until I went into the sanctuary of God;
then I discerned their end.
18Truly you set them in slippery places;
you make them fall to ruin.
19How they are destroyed in a moment,
swept away utterly by terrors!
20Like a dream when one awakes,
O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms.
21When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
22I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
23Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
28But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works.

A Prayer Request

I don't really like putting this kind of request up on the WWW, but I feel like it's an important thing that I desperately need God's guidance in. I've been told to re-apply to my old job as a deputy for the county. I would have to go through the field training portion, a 4 month patrol training period. I would have 18 months of probation, putting me at risk of easily being terminated under the flag of "probationary employee." And more importantly I'd be burning the bridge with the bank, at least the bridge with the current bosses. The job also has elements that I am very unsure of. If I was truly a Godly man, leading my family, witnessing to my co-workers and customers, and trusting God with everything, I could probably handle the job and the elements that I didn't enjoy before. But in my weak faith, I'm not sure I would be able to handle the duties of a deputy the way God would have me do them.

Writing this blog might even come up in background again, and it may show weakness rather than the desire to do what God would have me do. That's not my point. I do believe God gave me the skills, intelligence, and common sense to be a cop. But I need the spiritual maturity to do it the way He would have me do it. I want to glorify Him in whatever job I'm in. Whether it's at the bank still, or I pursue the deputy job again, I want to start glorifying God with my life. I want those around me to be positively affected by the light I shine on the truth.

So the request is: I want God's direction in my life and how I can best glorify Him with it. Do I pursue the job with the sheriff's office do I stay at the bank and continue to work through the positions and duties there? And, pray that in everything I glorify God with my life. Pray that sin is absolutely removed from my life, so that I can be used by God every day.